Winter Sonata

I am listening to the piano version of Winter Sonata, and it makes me feel so...

lonely...

sad...

cold...

insecure...

lost...

It is as if I am walking alone in a street, and with Winter Sonata's images (no, I have not watched the movie, but have seen poster about it), I feel like I am walking alone in a street with snow every where, with gray and darkening sky, feeling so lost and lonely.

I hope this won't happen to me, I hope I won't feel lonely, I hope...

Waiting...

Love, and being loved, is the most amazing thing.

Now I am waiting, waiting to know what the future outcome is going to be. Please, let it be the favorable outcome, let my dreams come true, let... please...

孤单，寂寞，勇气，伤害。。。 =(

好就没用话语写一篇“作文”了。。 不知如何，今天我有点想用华语来表达我的心情。

今天，一大清早就开始下雪，真的是令我感觉很孤单，寂寞。有时真的会觉得自己很傻: 明明知道是错，知道是会受伤害，但我还埋着头，继续错下去。。。 可能这是我盲目的一边吧，也许这是我骗自己的梦想，但我很清楚知道这条路将来是会让我自己感得很痛苦。

可能今早在巴士上听着悲伤的歌曲吧，所已我才想太多，或许应该说我想得比较仔细。。 无论如何，我已经是可以猜测到将来会发生什么事。。可能这样也好，至少可以给我一个心理准备。。

是不是太多时间和下雪的关系令我想这些我不想要面对的事情，我不太清楚。。。 但是昨天的谈话令我深深的想我是否应该这么做。。答案我还不太清楚，但是我可以对自己说这会是一个很难很难做的事情。。 一边的我不想放手，另一边就知道越早放手越好。。。唉，叫我应该如何呢？？

当我在想这一回事的时候，我还记得第一次见到她。当时我么不认识对方，不过后来有机会认识，不知不觉地我就傻傻的变到今天的地步。。

可能我应该学过路人，选美好的回忆，把伤心的一切从今抹掉。但是我有没有这一股勇气呢？我还不知道... anyone care to help?

Long absence again?

It's been another while since I am here again, how pathetic. I must admit that I do want to always update my blog, but sadly enough there's nothing to update. Every day is just plain routine, every weekend is also mundane.

Yes, there was the Chinese New Year celebration, and it brought me lots of fun and laughter. Bridging the gap with a friend also became fun and routine, and I truly enjoyed it. =) Even though some complications exist in the process, it was eventually sorted out and everything is wonderful again.

What am I crapping now I am not sure also, just that I am clouded by some worries, or rather some thoughts of mine. And it couldn't come at a better time, when there are four test looming over the next two weeks. I couldn't concentrate on the assignment on hand, maybe it's because of what happened yesterday, even though it seems to be clouding my thoughts only.

Yes, I am feeling quite emotional now, and you may hate this post because after a month of absence again, there's an emotional post. I don't want this to happen, but I just can't help it. It's like I am falling into a trap which I know it was there all along. I was warned, yet the bait at the middle of the trap is too tempting for me to try.

What should I do? I don't know. Should I continue to go down this trap? Or should I back out? Will I seem to be a coward and hurt others if I back out suddenly? Why is there so many questions swirling in my head?! I need someone to talk to, yet I still don't know what to say if I face my friend. My friend, my dear friend, come to me! Come help me out of this mess! Sigh...

Happy Birthday!

Wow, what a coincidence! My 101th post is on my birthday! Wonderful. =p

I know I should be studying for FM, my professional paper, which is on November 7th. But, I just don't have the mood to study now! Reason? Well, maybe it's because of my mind set. Today is my birthday and I don't want to study on my birthday. It makes me think that I am so miserable! But then again, maybe not. Maybe it's because I didn't get my dose of Caramel Macchiato this morning. I couldn't make it on time to get my favorite barista this morning! Erh... Close to afternoon, or rather exactly at noon at that time. Yes, I woke up at 11.30am this morning. Don't blame me! I slept at 2am. =p

I had a long chat with my mum yesterday night, or rather this morning. I realized how much I miss her. I miss those morning where we sit at the dining table and have breakfast; miss those times where we hang the clothes out and rush to collect it when the rain starts to come down; miss those jokes and those times we laughed at each other's mistakes; and, well, it sounds old-fashioned, but I do miss those naggings!

Well, nothing much I can do now, except chat online and look at her through the webcam. Really, technology do bring us closer, in terms of distance and age gap. Not many parents know or are willing to go online to chat and use the webcam; they prefer long distance call, even though online is free! That's the barrier of age gap when we are in the technology age I guess.

Anyway, enough of rantings, let's see what have I done the past week.

I had the opportunity to visit a pumpkin patch, corn farm, etc... It's all in a big huge land, owned by someone who named the place Howell's. It's an eye opener for me I guess. I get to see goats and rabbits and pigs up close; get to feed the goats, who get quite selfish when it gets to food! I also get to see pumpkin patch; get into a corn maze; and for the first time I saw a wild snake! Well, it's a garden snake, a teeny weeny snake, but still it's a nice experience.

Hissssssed!! Come nearer and you are DEAD!

I also get to carve a pumpkin, as Halloween is round the corner. I carved the simplest, most common pumpkin pattern: an angry face. It was fun!

What are you looking at? Wanna fight? *grrrrrr...*

Something else worth mentioning is I finally get to go to the Cheesecake Factory. It's a restaurant, just in case you were wondering why on earth would I want to enter a factory so much. I love cheese; and I have an uncanny craving for chocolate since I came to the States. Guess what? They actually mixed these two together, and come up with the Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake. I didn't try that cheesecake, though I did get a bite of their original cheesecake. It's by far the best cheese I have ever tasted. So much for a cheese fanatic eh? But it was really good, trust me. =p I got myself a 4 cheese pasta as well, which also taste pretty good. I couldn't finish it, so end up heating it up this morning for my lunch. =p

Alright, that's pretty much all I have done, except for sleeping, eating, stoning, chilling, and some 9-ball pool. Happy Birthday to myself I guess.

Anyone gonna feed him? *mehhh meeehhh*

Study? Huh? What's study? Oh! The one where I learn stuffs from books? Where I learn stuffs from other people's reasoning? Yeah yeah, I remember now. Oh, you want me to study? Some time later I guess...

Incorrect timing

Have you ever came across a time where you thought you've found that someone but the timing is just so not right? It's just so frustrating when that happens, isn't it?

I got to know her recently, and I said to myself that she's cute. Fortunately for me is I get to know her better, but it really does take more time to know someone else more, doesn't it? Unfortunately, my days in Malaysia are numbered. I have 12 days left here! After taking out time for our finals and time for me to spend with my family, none is left. Lolz.

Therefore, only technology can help me know her better. No, I am not talking about time machine. Lolz. Computers and internet can just partially get the process of communication done, can't they? The irony is, technology is also the one who is putting the distance between us. Heck, I am going to fly in a plane, isn't that technology? Lolz.

Well, there are many other factors between us, and all I could say is the timing is totally incorrect. Maybe, just a maybe, that at some point in the future the timing of our meeting is perfect, though there is another maybe that we shall never cross path again.

Time! Time!! It's either you hate it or love it. Sigh.

Departure -- engulfed with sadness yet delighted

Among all the good things in American University Program (AUP), there's something which I hate most -- good friends leaving you for another place. Yes, this post might be a tad emotional, but I can't help it, because two friends of mine left for the States yesterday.

Of course, like what the chinese proverb says, every meeting will have a parting. But sometimes the parting can just be heart breaking. Well, not that yesterday's parting was anyhow heart breaking to me, just that it reminds me that when I leave in around 2 weeks time, it would somehow have a lasting memory stored in the puny brain of mine.

The atmosphere during yesterday's parting was somehow mixed. Everyone was sending them off happily, wishing them all the best, but somehow you can just get the hint of sadness surrounding us. Knowing that you are leaving your friends and family behind for a foreign land for at least 2 years can really bring you down to tears I would say.

There's one thing I learnt yesterday though, that is try not to have so many of your friends to send you off. Yes, you will be glad that there are so many friends to send you off as it would somehow show your social status, but to shake everyone's hand and give them each a hug during departure, it will just shatter your ability to hold back your tears. The more people you hug, the more emotional you will get, and the longer you'll need to hold back your tears. In the end, you most likely will end up shedding tears.

I think the reason why I am feeling so emotional over the departure of these two friends is because one of them have been quite close to me, always chatting and joking; and the other, I would say we have the same interest.

He's always there for me to complain that I am bored, and almost always drives me around, though I did drove him around before. He was the one whom introduce me more to the IT world, and also the Chinese literature world. Drawing is his talent, but he never did say his drawings are pretty. Humble, down to earth and a good friend he is, and I wish him all the best in his future. If there's any work recommendation for aerospace engineering, do tell me. That's my friend's major.

The other guy, though I don't meet as often as compared with the former, do have a same interest with me. Whatever that interest was, I felt very sad when he came over to hug me and say goodbye. He was in tears, and it nearly brought me to tears as well. Laid back and casual as he is, he is still able to score in his subjects, I guess being smart is somehow affected by genes, don't you think? Somehow, I have a feeling that his social skills will make him stand out in everything he does. Wonderful.

Well, enough of emo-ing here I guess. I myself will be flying off to the States in 16 days time, and I could foresee another more emotional day coming. For now, let's just wish my two dear friends all the best. May our next meeting come soon. Adioz.

When you're gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk awayI count the steps that you take.

Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay, I miss you.

I never felt this way before.
Every thing that I do
Reminds me off you.
And the clothes you left
They lien on the floor
And it's not just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay, I miss you.

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were (Yeah yeah)
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I'll give my heart it so
I can only breath I need to feel you here
With me!! (Yeah)

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay,
I miss you.

credits to aline;-)